Lets talk about my current frustration level. I'm pretty sure on a scale of 1-10 its at about 112.

Why you ask?

Because, despite the fact that I am most decidedly not a teen girl - I LOVE and am slightly obsessed with the Twilight series. The news about Stephenie no longer working on Midnight Sun because someone leaked it frustrated the poop out of me. I realize that right now she's probably too hurt and pissed to work on it, but to tell everyone she may not finish it?!? Really? When I read the first chapter of this book so long ago, I was SO excited. The series from Edward's perspective was phenomenal. She is so angsty and not so...whiney(?). It brought a dimension to the series that is seriously amazing. I don't know.

The fans had been given absolutely no timeline for when the book was going to come out. So, she could have even taken six months or a year to cool off and get back to writing then finish the book and we would have been none the wiser. Instead, she goes and acts unprofessional and puts up the 12 chapters on the net in order to what? Stop writing the book? Because it was leaked? You seriously are going to hurt your fans because someone that you trusted hurt you? It really does sadden me.

I didn't even want to read the first 12 chapters... I only did because she posted them on her website. I wish I hadn't. I REALLY wish I hadn't. Now I see how wonderful this book was going to be - dare I say that it was well on its way to being the best book she had written so far?

But now it is on hold indefinitely.

Let's hope that after the release of the movie that she gets excited again and gets back in the mood to write more. My hope is that maybe she did this just to...I don't know. Keep her name in the press? As if it wasn't there enough. But maybe this provides a way to get people off her back about the book. Maybe she'll finish it on her schedule and still put it out in a couple years. I would think that she is contractually obligated at this point to finish the book... hm...

And then i have to stop and wonder... why do I care so much?

It seems as though I have deeply neglected blogging recently. In a way this blog is a form of therapy...a place for me to be me without any care whether anyone else cares or not. A place for me to be my angsty self, despite the fact it is the part of me that I like the least. To document one's journey through life is a nice way to leave some sort of imprint in the world, however small it may be.

A random comment brought me back. Perhaps I shall now use this opportunity to revisit this life of blogging. It certainly can't hurt.

And now for some random fun.

YOU CAN ONLY TYPE ONE WORD. NO EXPLANATIONS.

1. Yourself: exhausted
2. Your Lover: imaginary
3. Your Hair: up
4. Your Mother: amazing
5. Your Father: daddy
6. Your Favorite Item: laptop
7. Your Dream Last Night: deep
8. Your Favorite Drink: water
9. Your Dream Home: enough
10. The Room You Are In: mine
11. Your Pet: memory
12. Who You Are Now: minister
13. Who You Want To Be In Ten Years: minister
15. What You Don't Wanna Be: depressed
16. Your Best Friend: emily
17. One of Your Wish List Items: money
18. Your Gender: female
19. The Last Thing You Did: class
20. What You Are Wearing: clothes
21. Your Favorite Weather: cool
22. Your Favorite Book: twilight
23. The Last Thing You Ate: banana
24. Your Life: busy
25. Your Mood: annoyed
26. Your Favorite Store: target
27. Your Favorite Sport: basketball
28. Favorite Memory: europe
29. Who Do You Miss Right Now: him

the weird thing about birthdays....

you try to pretend that it doesn't matter that most people dont remember

but really...you want them to remember...

but nobody REALLY cares that its your birthday except you...and maybe your parents

Its interesting. I find myself oddly nostalgic at random times. Ok, not completely random....i know what triggers these moments, but i still remain nostalgic all the same.

Sometimes I feel weird talking aobut such moods, but then I realize that it is what it is. On Christmas night I watched an nsync video clip. I watched this clip and laughed, and smiled, and for a moment, felt like i did when i was 20. It really is a weird feeling. To be so wrapped up in a group, in the music they produce and the excitement that comes with following their every move. Its no wonder to me why I still get these pangs. My life has not changed that much since then. Sure, I'm older, and I have had more life experiences, and I'm even in graduate school now...but in so many ways I still feel like that young girl. Perhaps it is because I'm currently single, so my life has not progressed past dreaming about those guys that I could never have, and probably wouldn't actually want...i just find it so interesting. These moments that take me back, and for an instant after the flashback is over, I wish my life was as simple as it was in those days.

Then reality sets in, and I must come back to the present, to a world that seems much more jaded...and I must continue to seek those things which make me feel good, which make me feel whole.

not to sound dramatic or anything...but papers SUCK.

I have 60 pages worth of papers to write this week. Actually...58, I'm on the top of page 3 for the first paper. I think I'm psyching myself out though. I keep almost getting on a roll, then realize that I'm doing well and kinda know what I'm saying, then I stop. Kind of aggrivating, but that tells you about the level of my commitment. I am however, proud of myself for being this far along. The paper isn't due until Wednesday, and I'm already on page 3...that's big for me. But, because I have so many papers due this week, I don't have much choice. Now, if only I could get myself to write more...like I know I can.

On a random side note...Anne saw a mouse in our house today. We've heard it for a couple days in the vent downstairs, but hadn't actually seen it til today. Our landlord was like "no one has ever complained about them before." Ok...but we've really seen one...geez. She at least brought traps by. SO GROSS. And it was seen in the kitchen, so now I need to go through our pantry and make sure they haven't found a way inside there...HIfoe;wjafkldasjfoi;ewajfkld;sa

SO GROSS.

I feel like lately I complain more than I talk about the good stuff going on.

today, I feel a balance of both.

coming off of such an amazing week/weekend with my family has been so healthy for me. I spent two different nights at home, very much enjoying both nights. Sometimes being in my childhood room is just what the doctor ordered. Seeing my whole family on Thanksgiving day was wonderful...as was the whole food. My mom and I cooked a traditional german meal on Saturday of Sauerbraten, speatzle, and cabbage. SO YUMMY!! It was great.

Last night I had a friend over. One who I thought I was really excited to see and hang out with. Turns out, the ties that had been somewhat severed, were severed for a reason. He kept telling me how beautiful I was, and how much he missed me. Thing was, he said that, and I had no emotion, and I actually couldn't wait for him to go home. Weird. a year ago, I never would have guessed that I wouldn't care much for this guy. A year ago he was one of my best friends. We started dating, and then didnt see each other for a good 8 months or so. I realize now, I didn't even miss him. I'm alright with it. Just strange.

Feelings are crazy. How some people I feel something for EVERY time I see them. And others, I don't think about much. People who have in theory had the same amount of impact...

Anyway, today I'm working on homework and getting very tired of looking up definitions. Only 20 to go! Yay!

I hate my life today.

Only because I have 2 papers to write, 2 books to finish reading, and one other book to read. All so I can write the two papers.

I really really want this semester to be over.

On a happier note, I figured out my schedule for next semester - which will be awesome.

Wednesday: 9:30-12 Exegesis: Resurrection Narratives
Thursday: 8:15-10:45 Pastoral Care: Sexuality, Gender Identity, and Orientation
Thursday: 5:00-7:30 History of Christianity I: Early and Mideval

And that is all folks. Beautiful I tell, absolutely beautiful.

Actually, that makes today happy. Ask me that again around 10pm though, and i'll be back to hating today.