Rambling to Ramble

At what point is it too much? When is the time that enough is enough? Do I want my hair long or short? How am I going to lose 15 lbs? When is it ok to question EVERYTHING you do? When is it ok to just go with the flow? What can I do to get back the confidence I once had in myself? Where did it go in the first place? Who am I becoming? Do I like this person? Why do I let myself question so many things?

So I basically have a bagillion questions constantly running through my head. Things that sometimes make complete sense, and othertimes they mean absolutely nothing. Times when the questions I am asking make me pause in the midst of my noisy life and really think about the answer. You know the worst part about all of these questions? They are all so self centered. I know to be human is to, on some level, be completely in tune to yourself, and to want to have things be the best for you. But I have taken my call from God, and I am in seminary to be a minister. A minister can be self centered, sure, but they must not put themselves first, for they have a higher duty to serve others. That's what being a minister is, to serve others and to faithfully live a life that Christ would have approved of.

My long term goals are to serve others, to be a Christ figure in the lives of children orphaned by AIDS and genocide in Africa. Some people tell me that is completely selfless, and that they couldn't imagine doing it. What gets me is...I can't imagine doing anything BUT that. Guess that is why we are all different. Not everyone dreams of going to Africa to work in orphanages. But I have moments where I'm not convinced that I do it for selfless reasons. Am I doing it just to serve these children, and the other people in Africa? I don't know. Sometimes the lines are so fuzzy that I can't tell one side from the other. But then I have to wonder, if I am working in Africa, and part of it is selfish...does that negate the purpose I have gone there with? Even if on some level part of that is selfish...I am still planning on helping these people, and THAT can't be denied. Something to ponder I suppose.

There is so much going on in my life right now, and yet at the same time nothing at all. I need a job, badly. I need money to survive in this consumer-driven world so badly that I am willing to do work that I don't really like, just to make ends meet. Is that the rut that MOST American's are in? You have to wonder. Doesn't seem like a very satisfying life to me. Perhaps that is why I would be happy living in Europe. Sure, there are things in America that I would miss...and I would always want to come home here...but there is so much more out there...and sometimes I think I don't fit in, in America.

I don't know...none of this is cohesive thoughts, and perhaps I meant it to be that way...Just thinking about a lot of things...and thinking about life helps me figure life out, little piece, by little piece.